"A cheerful heart is good medicine... "

Prov 17:22a (NIV)

THE PREACHER AND THE BEAR
A Preacher from Colorado skipped church one Sunday to go bear hunting in the mountains. As he turned the corner along the path, he and a bear collided. The cowboy stumbled backwards, slipped off the trail and began tumbling down the mountain with the bear in hot pursuit. Finally the preacher crashed into a boulder, sending his rifle in one direction and breaking both legs. As the bear closed in, the preacher cried out in desperation, "Lord, I'm sorry for what I have done. Please forgive me and save me! Lord, please make that bear a Christian." Suddenly, the clouds parted and a beam of light shown down on the bear. The bear skidded to a halt at the cowboy's feet, fell to its knees, clasped its paws together and said, "God, bless this food which I am about to receive."

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice,
"Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.
"I can't dear," she said.
"I have to sleep in Daddy's room." A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice:
"The big sissy."

A Minister was walking down the street when he came upon a group of about a dozen boys, all of them between 10 and 12 years of age.

The group had surrounded a dog. Concerned lest the boys were hurting the dog, he went over and asked "What are you doing with that dog?"

One of the boys replied, "This dog is just an old neighborhood stray. We all want him, but only one of us can take him home. So we've decided that whichever one of us can tell the biggest lie will get to keep the dog."

Of course, the reverend was taken aback. "You boys shouldn't be having a contest telling lies!" he exclaimed. He then launched into a ten minute sermon against lying, beginning, "Don't you boys know it's a sin to lie," and ending with, "Why, when I was your age, I never told a lie."

There was dead silence for about a minute. Just as the reverend was beginning to think he'd gotten through to them, the smallest boy gave a deep sigh and said, "All right, give him the dog."

A Few Words

Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50."

The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100."

The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon and it takes eight people to collect all the money!"

An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of religious service when she was startled by an intruder. As she caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables, she yelled, "Stop - Acts 2:38!" (..turn from your sin...) The burglar stopped dead in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.

As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, "Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you."

"Scripture?" replied the burglar, "She said she had an AXE and two 38's!"

Recently a Ft. Lauderdale advertising agency launched a billboard (including the inside and outside of buses) that included 17 different messages from God.
This non-denominational campaign started in September. It was sponsored by an anonymous client. I think some of the messages are quite humorous:

1. Let's Meet At My House Sunday Before the Game - God
2. C'mon Over And Bring The Kids - God
3. What Part of "Thou Shalt Not..." Didn't You Understand? - God
4. We Need To Talk - God
5. Keep Using My Name in Vain And I'll Make Rush Hour Longer! - God
6. Loved The Wedding, Invite Me To The Marriage - God
7. That "Love Thy Neighbor" Thing, I Meant It. - God
8. I Love You...I Love You...I Love You... - God
9. Will The Road You're On Get You To My Place? - God
10. Follow Me. - God
11. Big Bang Theory? You've Got To Be Kidding. - God
12. My Way Is The Highway. - God
13. Need Directions? - God
14. You Think It's Hot Here? - God
15. Tell The Kids I Love Them. - God
16. Need a Marriage Counselor? I'm Available. - God
17. Have You Read My #1 Best Seller? There Will Be A Test! - God

This millionaire wanted take some of his money to heaven with him when he died, so he talked to God about it beforehand. He told God that he had lived a good life and all he wanted was to bring a little of his fortune with him. God finally agreed, but told the millionaire he must limit the amount to whatever he could fit into one suitcase.
The millionaire decided to make the most of it by comparing American dollars, French Francs, Japanese Yen, and every kind of currency available in the world to see to it that he fit the most possible into the suitcase. Finally, he decided the best he could do was to exchange his money for gold and place that in the suitcase.

When he died and arrived at Heaven's gate, St. Peter asked him what was in the suitcase. He told St. Peter that down on earth he had been a millionaire and that God had given him permission to bring some of his fortune with him, as long as he could fit it into one suitcase.

St. Peter told the millionaire this was most unusual and he would have to take a look inside the suitcase before he could determine whether the millionaire could enter the gate with it. The millionaire opened the suitcase and St. Peter said, "Oh, yes. That's just pavement, please come in!"

THE LIMO
The Pope had just finished a tour of the East Coast and was taking a limousine to the airport. Having never driven a limo, he asked the chauffeur if he could drive for awhile.

Well, the chauffeur didn't have much of a choice, so the chauffeur climbs in the back of the limo and the Pope takes the wheel. The Pope proceeds to hop on Route 95 and starts accelerating to see what the limo could do. He gets to about 90 miles per hour and, WHAM, there are the blue lights of our friendly State Police in his mirror.

He pulls over and the trooper comes to his window. Seeing who it was the trooper says "just a moment please I need to call in."

The trooper radio's in and asks for the chief. He tells the chief "I've got a REALLY important person pulled over and I need to know what to do."
The chief replies "Who is it, not Ted again ?"
The trooper says,"No, even more important."
The chief replies, "It's the Governor, is it?"
The trooper replies "No, even more important."
"It's isn't the President is it?"
"No, more important", replies the trooper.
"Well WHO the HECK is it!", screams the chief.
"I don't know" says the trooper. "But he's got the Pope as a chauffeur!"

Great Truths from Small Children

No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair.
If your sister hits you, don't hit her back.
They always catch the second person.
Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
Reading what people write on desks can teach you a lot.
Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic tac.
Never hold a dustbuster and a cat at the same time.
School lunches stick to the wall.
You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
The best place to be when you are sad is in Grandma's lap.
It's hard to unlearn a bad word.
Ask Why until you understand.
It's easier to see the mistakes on someone else's paper.
A pencil without an eraser may as well just be a pen.
It's only fun to play school when you're the teacher.
Sometimes the best one in the play has the fewest lines.
Twelve is a lot older than eight.
Sometimes your best move is blocked by your own checkers.
Some nights it's not worth fighting over who gets the top bunk.
Don't expect your friends to be as excited about your "100" as you are.
Don't say that the "Last One is a Rotten Egg" unless you're absolutely sure there's a slow kid behind you.
If you don't like the birthday girl, don't go to the party.
Crawling still gets you there.
If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse.
Your room gets smaller as you get bigger.
You can't start over just because you're losing the game When you're dressed up like a princess, it's easier to act like one.
If a tree had apples last year, don't expect pears this year.
One drop of black paint from the brush clouds the whole cup of water.
You can't be everyone's best friend.
A snow day is more fun than a vacation day.
All libraries smell the same.
Say grace.
If you want someone to listen to you, whisper it.
Sometimes you have to take the test before you've finished studying.
Silence can be an answer.
Ask where things come from.
If you throw a ball at someone, they'll probably throw it back.
Don't nod on the phone.

Supposedly a true story...
Mr. Johnson, a businessman from Wisconsin, went on a business trip to Louisiana. He immediately sent an e-mail back home to his wife, Jennifer (JenJohnson@AOL.com). Unfortunately, he forgot his wife's exact e-mail address and the e-mail ended up going to a Mrs.Joan Johnson (JJohnson@AOL.com) of New Jersey, the wife of a preacher who had just passed away. The preacher's wife took one look at the e-mail and promptly fainted.

When she was finally revived by her daughter, she nervously pointed to the message, which read: "Arrived safely, but it sure is hot down here."

The Bible According to KIDS

The cute statements below are said to have been written by actual students and are genuine, authentic and not retouched or corrected:

In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.

Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.

Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark.

Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears.

Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.

Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.

Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.

Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.

The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert.

Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten ammendments.

The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.

The fifth commandment is to humor thy father and mother.

The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

Moses died before he ever reached Canada.

Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.

The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.

David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.

Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.

When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager.

Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.

St. John, the blacksmith, dumped water on his head.

Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you.

He also explained, "a man doth not live by sweat alone."

It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.

The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.

The epistles were the wives of the apostles.

One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.

St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.

A Christian should have only one spouse. This is called monotony.

A cheerful heart is good medicine... Prov 17:22a (NIV)

Heavenly Rates

A man dies and goes to heaven. Of course, Jesus meets him at the pearly gates.
Jesus says, "Here's how it works. You need 100 points to make it into heaven. You tell me all the good things you've done, and I give you a certain number of points for each item, depending on how good it was. When you reach 100 points, you get in."
"Okay," the man says, "I was married to the same woman for 50 years and never cheated on her, even in my heart."
"That's wonderful," says Jesus, "that's worth three points!"
"Three points?" he says. "Well, I attended church all my life and supported its ministry with my tithe and service."
"Terrific!" says Jesus, "that's certainly worth a point."
"One point? Golly. How about this: I started a soup kitchen in my city and worked in a shelter for homeless veterans."
"Fantastic, that's good for two more points," he says.
"TWO POINTS!!" the man cries, "At this rate the only way I get into heaven is by the grace of God!"
"Come on in!" Jesus replied.

One day God called Jesus and his helpers into a meeting.
God said that he wanted them to create a data base on heaven’s super computer.
He said He wanted them to list everyone who had ever been born and all the good and bad things that each had done since the beginning of time.
They all said they could do that and so they sat at their keyboards for hours, then days and weeks.
Finally they were almost done when there was a power failure in heaven and the computers all went off. Only seconds later the lights came back on and all the computers started to re-boot. There was much crying and gnashing of teeth and pounding of keyboards as this happened. Down at the end of the table sat Jesus with a big smile on His face.
Why was Jesus smiling amongst all this dismay?

Jesus Saves!

Two Brothers

In a certain suburban neighborhood, there were two brothers, 8 and 10 years old, who were exceedingly mischievous. Whatever went wrong in the neighborhood, it turned out they had had a hand in it. Their parents were at their wit's end trying to control them.
Hearing about a priest nearby who worked with delinquent boys, the mother suggested to the father that they ask the priest to talk with the boys.

The mother went to the priest and made her request. He agreed, but said he wanted to see the younger boy first and alone. So the mother sent him to the priest.

The priest sat the boy down across a huge, impressive desk he sat behind. For about five minutes they just sat and stared at each other. Finally, the priest pointed his forefinger at the boy and asked, "Where is God?"

The boy looked under the desk, in the corners of the room, all around, but said nothing.

Again, louder, the priest pointed at the boy and asked, "Where is God?"

Again the boy looked all around but said nothing. A third time, in a louder, firmer voice, the priest leaned far across the desk and put his forefinger almost to the boy's nose, and asked, "Where is God?"

The boy panicked and ran all the way home. Finding his older brother, he dragged him upstairs to their room and into the closet, where they usually plotted their mischief. He finally said, "We are in BIIIIG trouble."

The older boy asked, "What do you mean, BIIIIG trouble?"

His brother replied, "God is missing and they think we did it."

Kid funnies
A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's artwork. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the little girl replied, "They will in a minute."

A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, looking at the old pages as he turned them. Then something fell out, and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the pages.
"Momma, look what I found," the boy called out.
"What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked.
With astonishment in the his voice, he answered, "It's Adam's Suit!"

Six-year old Angie and her four-year old brother, Joel, were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang and talked out loud.
Finally, his big sister had had enough. "You're not supposed to talk out loud in church."
"Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked.
Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers."

A grandson was visiting his Grandma one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?"
The Grandma asked proudly, "No, how are we alike?"
"You're both old," he replied.

A Mother was teaching her daughter the Lord's Prayer.  For several evenings, at bedtime, she would repeat after her Mother the lines from the prayer.
Finally, she decided to go solo. The Mother listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word, right up to the end of the prayer:
"Lead us not into temptation," she prayed, "but deliver us from e-mail. Amen."

One balmy day in the South Pacific, a navy ship espied smoke coming from one of three huts on an uncharted island. Upon arriving at the shore they were met by a shipwreck survivor. He said, "I'm so glad you're here! I've been alone on this island for more than five years!"
The captain replied, "If you're all alone on the island why do I see THREE huts."
The survivor said, "Oh. We'll, I live in one, and go to church in another."
"What about the THIRD hut?" asked the captain.
"That's where I USED to go to church."

A small boy is sent to bed by his father.
Five minutes later...."Da-ad...."
"What?"
"I'm thirsty. Can you bring a drink of water?"
"No. You had your chance. Lights out."
Five minutes later:"Da-aaaad....."
"WHAT?"
"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"
"I told you NO!" If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!"
Five minutes later......"Daaaa-aaaad....."
"WHAT!"
"When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"

a man was hiking through a forest and was becoming very tired. then he stumbled upon a farm that had plenty of horses. he asked the farmer if he could borrow one." well son," the farmer said," I can only lend u one cause all the others are working. but it is a special horse. if u want to make it go say praise the Lord, and if u want it to stop say amen. now the man climbed on and shouted praise the Lord, the horse ambled along it picked up speed after a time and didn't stop. by this time the man could not remember what to say to make it stop. he saw a cliff Right in front of him. then he started to pray of course at the end of he said amen. he horse stopped right at the edge of the cliff. the man breathed a sigh of relief and shouted praise the Lord.....

Noah was in his back yard building the Ark when his neighbor coes along and says" Hey Noah, whatcha doin'?" Noah says " I can't tell you" His neighbor says "Awwww, c'mon" Noah" No, I can't" Neighbor " Why not?" Noah " 'Cause I can't" Neighbor " C'mon, just give me a little hint" Noah *sighs* " Okay.......... How long can you tread water...........

why did the gum cross the road? it was stuck to the chickens foot.

There was a barber that thought that he should share his faith with his customers more than he had been doing lately. So the next morning when the sun came up and the barber got up out of bed he said, "Today I am going to witness to the first man that walks through my door."

Soon after he opened his shop the first man came in and said, "I want a shave!" The barber said, "Sure, just sit in the seat and I'll be with you in a moment." The barber went in the back and prayed a quick desperate prayer saying, "God, the first customer came in and I'm going to witness to him. So give me the wisdom to know just the right thing to say to him. Amen."

Then quickly the barber came out with his razor knife in one hand and a Bible in the other while saying "Good morning sir. I have a question for you... Are you ready to die?"

Reverend Billy Graham tells of a time early in his ministry when he arrived in a small town to preach a sermon. Wanting to mail a letter, he asked a young boy where the post office was. When the boy had told him, Dr. Graham thanked him and said, "If you'll come to the Baptist Church this evening, you can hear me telling everyone how to get to heaven."

The boy replied, "I don't think I'll be there... You don't even know your way to the post office."

A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17."

The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."

On a sunny Sunday afternoon, two young church members were going door to door to invite people to visit their services. When they knocked on one door, it was immediately clear the woman who answered was not happy to see them.

She told them in no uncertain terms that she did not want to hear their message, and before they could say anything more, she slammed the door in their faces.

To her surprise, however, the door did not close; in fact, it bounced back open. She tried again, really putting her back into it, and slammed it again with the same result - the door bounced back open.

Convinced these rude young people were sticking their foot in her door, she reared back to give it a slam that would teach them a lesson. Just then, one of them said quietly: "Ma'am, before you do that again, you really need to move your cat."

A pastor is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach.

After watching the boys efforts for some time, the pastor moves closer to the boy's position. He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a solid ring.

Crouching down to the child's level, the pastor smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?" To which the boy replies, "Now we run!"

Little Johnnie desperately wanted a bright red wagon for Christmas.

His friends were writing letters to Santa Claus, but Johnnie decided to go one better.

"Dear Jesus," he wrote. "If I get a red wagon for Christmas, I won't fight with my brother Hank for a year." Then Johnnie thought, Oh, no, Hank is such a brat, I could never, ever keep that promise. So Johnnie threw away the letter and started again.

"Dear Jesus, if I get a red wagon for Christmas, I will eat all my vegetables for a year." Then Johnnie thought, Oh, no, that means spinach, broccoli and asparagus. Yuck! I could never ever keep that promise.

Suddenly Johnnie had an idea. He went downstairs to the living room. From the mantel above the fireplace, he grabbed the family's statue of the Virgin Mary. Taking the statue to the kitchen he wrapped it in newspapers and stuffed it into a grocery bag. He took the bag upstairs to his room, opened the closet and placed the package in the farthest, darkest corner.

He then closed the closet door, took a new sheet of paper and wrote, "Dear Jesus, if you ever want to see your mother again..."

From a 3-year-old:
"Our Father, Who does art in heaven, Harold is His name.
Amen."

A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door
as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside.

The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"

My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."
Pastor questioned, "How come I don't "see you except at Christmas and Easter?"

He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service."

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered.
They discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.
The first said: "I built a big house for our mother."

The second said: "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."

The third said: "You remember how our mother enjoys reading the Bible.
Now she can't see very well.
So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible.
It took elders in the church 12 years to teach him.
Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot recites it."

Soon thereafter, their mother sent out her letters of thanks.

"Milton," she said, "the house you built is so huge.
I live only in one room, but I have to clean the whole house.

"Gerald," she said, "I am too old to travel.
I stay most of the time at home so I rarely use the Mercedes.
And that driver is so rude! He's a pain!"

"But Donald," she said, "the little chicken you sent was delicious!"

Mr. Goldblatt," announced little Joey, "there's somethin' I can't figger out."
"What's that Joey?" asked Goldblatt.

"Well accordin' to the Bible, the Children of Israel crossed the Red Sea, right?"

"Right."

"An' the Children of Israel beat up the Phillistines, right?"

"Er--right."
"An' the Children of Israel built the Temple, right?"

"Again you're right."

"An' the Children of Israel fought the 'gyptians, an' the Children of Israel fought the Romans,
an' the Children of Israel wuz always doin' somethin' important, right?"

"All that is right, too," agreed Goldblatt. "So what's your question?"

"What I wanna know is this," demanded Joey. "What wuz all the grown-ups doin?"

Reasons churches don't ask clown ministries to return:

1. They force people to smile during the 8 am service.
2. It's hard to say with dignity, "The sermon today will be given by Brother Umpa-Doody."
3. Whoopee cushions inevitably appear under pew cushions
4. Sermons take a lot longer when they are in pantomime.
5. Dribble glasses used during the communion service.
6. They have to pay janitors extra to get all of the silly string off the ceiling.
7. The kids pop their balloons during closing prayer.

Letters To God

Dear God,
In Sunday School they told us what You do. Who does it when You are on vacation? - Jane

Dear God,
I think about You sometimes even when I'm not praying. - Elliot

Dear God,
Did You really mean "do unto others as they do unto you?"
Because if you did, then I'm going to fix my brother. - Darla

Dear God,
I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset you made on Tuesday.
That was cool! - Eugene

Dear God,
I read the Bible. What does "begat" mean? Nobody will tell me. - Allison

Dear God,
Are you really invisible or is that a trick? - Lucy

Dear God,
Is it true my father won't get in Heaven if he uses his bowling words in the house? - Anita

Dear God,
Did you mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident? - Norma

Dear God,
Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don't You just keep the ones
You have now? - Cindy

Dear God,
Who draws the lines around countries? - Nan

Dear God,
The bad people laughed at Noah - "You made an ark on dry land you fool".
But he was smart, he stuck with You. That's what I would do. - Edward

Dear God,
I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that okay? - Neil

Dear God,
What does it mean You are a Jealous God? I thought You had everything. - Robert

Dear God,
Thank You for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy. - Joyce

Dear God,
Why is Sunday School on Sunday? I thought it was supposed to be our day of rest. - Tom

God the Parent

After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve.
And the first thing He said to them was: "Don't."

"Don't what?" Adam asked.

"Don't eat the Forbidden Fruit." God replied.

"Forbidden fruit? We got Forbidden Fruit?

Hey, Eve..we got Forbidden Fruit!"

"No way!"

"Where?"

"Don't eat that fruit!" said God.

"Why?"

"Because I am your Creator and I said so!" said God,
wondering why he hadn't stopped after making the elephants.

A few minutes later God saw the kids having an apple break and was angry.

"Didn't I tell you not to eat that fruit?" the 'First Parent' asked.

"Uh huh," Adam replied.

"Then why did you?"

"I dunno," Eve answered.

"She started it!" Adam said.

"Did not!"

"DID so!"

"DID NOT!"

An elderly lady was well-known for her faith and for her boldness in talking about it.
She would stand on her front porch and shout "PRAISE THE LORD!"

Next door to her lived an atheist who would get so angry at her proclamations he would shout,
"There ain't no Lord!!"

Hard times set in on the elderly lady, and she prayed for GOD to send her some assistance.
She stood on her porch and shouted "PRAISE THE LORD. GOD I NEED FOOD!!
I AM HAVING A HARD TIME. PLEASE LORD, SEND ME SOME GROCERIES!!"

The next morning the lady went out on her porch and noted a large bag of groceries and shouted,
"PRAISE THE LORD."

The neighbor jumped from behind a bush and said, "Aha! I told you there was no Lord.
I bought those groceries, God didn't."

The lady started jumping up and down and clapping her hands and said, "PRAISE THE LORD.
He not only sent me groceries, but He made the devil pay for them. Praise the Lord!"

What if God had Voice Mail?
We have all learned to live with voice mail as a necessary part of modern life. But you may have wondered, "What if God decided to install voice mail?" Imagine praying and hearing this...

Thank you for calling My Father's House. Please select one of the following options:

Press 1 for request Press 2 for thanksgiving Press 3 for complaints Press 4 for all other inquiries

What if God used the familiar excuse, "All the angels are helping other customers right now. Please stay on the line. You call will be answered in the order it was received.

Can you imagine getting these kinds of response as you call on God in prayer?

If you would like to speak to Gabriel, press 1 now If you would like to speak to Michael, press 2 now For a directory of other angels, press 3 now If you would like to hear King David sing a Psalm while you're holding, press 4 now

To find out if a love one has been assigned to heaven, enter his or her social security number now.

For reservations at My Father's House, press the letters J-O-H-N and then 3-1-6.

For answers on nagging questions about the age of earth and where Noah's Ark is, please wait until you arrive here.

Our computers show that you have already called once today. Please hang up and try again tomorrow.

This office is close for the weekend. Please call again on Monday after 9:00 a.m.

Thank God you can't call God too often and when you call, the Lord will answer.

"Your cries for help will be answered 'Here I Am'" (Isaiah 58:9)

A Little Boy's Prayer

"Dear God, please take care of my daddy and my mommy and my sister and my brother and my doggy and me.
Oh, please take care of yourself, God. If anything happens to you, we're gonna be in a big mess."

A little boy was in a relative's wedding. As he was coming down the aisle, he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd. While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar. So it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR, all the way down the aisle. As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit. The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the laughing, and was also near tears by the time he reached the pulpit. When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, "I was being the Ring Bear."

One student's prayer: "Now I lay me down to rest, And hope to pass tomorrow's test. If I should die before I wake, That's one less test I have to take."

A Preacher's Dying Wish

An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his doctor and his lawyer, both church members, to come to his home.
When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit, one on each side of his bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything.
Both the doctor and the lawyer were touched and flattered that the preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moments. They were also puzzled; the preacher had never given them any indication that he particularly liked either of them. They both remembered his many long, uncomfortable sermons about greed, covetousness and avaricious behavior that made them squirm in their seats.
Finally, the doctor said, "Preacher, why did you ask us to come?" The old preacher mustered up his strength, then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves ... and that's how I want to go."

Mummy

An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel and came upon a casket containing a mummy. After examining it, he called the curator of a prestigious natural-history museum. "I've just discovered a 3,000 year-old mummy of a man who died of heart failure!" the excited scientist exclaimed.
To which the curator replied, "Bring him in. We'll check it out."
A week later, the amazed curator called the archaeologist. "You were right about the mummy's age and cause of death. How in the world did you know?"
"Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand that said, '10,000 Shekels on Goliath'."

Johnny's Kindergarten Class

Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures, tacked to a bulletin board, of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person? "Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want very badly to capture him."
Little Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny, a child in the kindergarten class, seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, "Johnny what is the matter?"
Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cream on her face. "Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked. "To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. "What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"

Three pastors went to the pastor convention and were all sharing one room. The first pastor said, "Let's confess our secret sins one to another. I'll start - my secret sin is I just love to gamble. When I go out of town, it's cha-ching cha-ching, let the machines ring."
The second pastor said, "My secret sin is that I just hate working. I copy all my sermons from those given by other pastors."
The third pastor said, "My secret sin is gossiping and, oh boy, I just can't wait to get out of this room!"

A little boy was kneeling beside his bed with his mother and grandmother and softly saying his prayers, "Dear God, please bless Mummy and Daddy and all the family and please give me a good night's sleep."
Suddenly he looked up and shouted, "And don't forget to give me a bicycle for my birthday!!"
"There is no need to shout like that," said his mother. "God isn't deaf."
"No," said the little boy, "but Grandma is."

A flood was on its way, forcing everyone to evacuate. The police rowed up to the most pious woman in town and said, "Ma'am, you have to leave this house! People are dying out here!"
The woman replied, "No, I'm not leaving. God has always helped me before, and He will do it again."
So as the water started to rise, she went to the second story of her house. Another boat came by, and the captain yelled, "Ma'am, you have to get on this boat or you're going to drown!"
The woman replied again, "No, God helped me before, and He will do it again."
The water rose even higher. This time she went to the top of the roof, where a helicopter came and hovered overhead. The pilot called into his loudspeaker, "Please climb aboard, ma'am. You are going to drown!"
The women sniffed and again replied, "God is going to save me!"
But the water rose higher, and soon she drowned to death. She went to Heaven, and there she asked God, "Why didn't you save me, O Lord?"
And God replied, "I did help--I sent you two boats and a helicopter!"

Two Christians have lived very good, and also very healthy lives. They die, and go to heaven.
As they are walking along, marvelling at the paradise around them, one turns to the other and says "Wow. I never knew heaven was going to be as good as this!"
"Yeah", says the other. "And just think, if we hadn't eaten all that oat bran we could have got here ten years sooner."

A 4-year-old boy who was asked to return thanks before Christmas dinner. The family members bowed their heads in expectation. He began his prayer, thanking God for all his friends, naming them one by one. Then he thanked God for Mommy, Daddy, brother, sister, Grandma, Grandpa, and all his aunts and uncles. Then he began to thank God for the food. He gave thanks for the turkey, the dressing, the fruit salad, the cranberry sauce, the pies, the cakes, even the Cool Whip.
Then he paused, and everyone waited--and waited. After a long silence, the young fellow looked up at his mother and asked, "If I thank God for the broccoli, won't he know that I'm lying?"

Here's the coolest screensaver I've ever found if anyone wants it.

Galaxy Screensaver

Note: unzip into c:\windows, then rightclick and install and it will appear in your list of screensavers.

right click on your desktop--> properties-->
screensaver

Then select it and go to properties. click on
register and type in the sentence "I understand the
shareware principle." then it is registered and won't
have an obtrusive sentence in it. then go into edit
advanced settings and click "ignore mouse" or
something like that.

Then your set.